If Alcohol Was In Water
by Yiku Mitsui Briefs Jaganshi
Summary: Don't mind the title, I was lost as to a title. Anyway, here's an insane fic. Rated for language, violence, and the risk of insanity. No yaoi, even though...just read please. It's good!
1. What the hell!

Yiku: Hello! Welcome to my insanity!  
  
Hiei: Shouldn't you be working on your Tears of Venus fic?  
  
Yiku: Eh, eventually. No one seemed to like it that much, and I'm losing inspiration.  
  
Hiei: Oh..so, what'll this fic contain?  
  
Yiku: ~evil smile~ You'll just have to wait to find out. Oooh, the authoritah that I possess..  
  
Hiei: That doesn't sound too good.  
  
Yiku: It could be. It's actually another one of my attempts at humor. Sheba helped a bit, too, so I suppose I'll give her some credit..  
  
Hiei: Who does it feature?  
  
Yiku: Let's see..you, Kurama, Yusuke, Kuwabara, Yukina, some others.  
  
Hiei: Wait, WHAT?!  
  
Disclaimers: I own nothing except the ideas in my head.  
  
Chapter One: What the hell?!  
  
The sun shone into the window of Hiei's apartment at about eight in the morning. The room was so cluttered, that the only way you could tell someone was actually living in it, was by seeing a trail from the bed, to the bathroom, then to the door. Also, a sock would appear each day from Enma knows where. My guess is Hiei's feet? Does he even wear socks?  
  
Anyway, Hiei opened his eyes slowly, only to be blinded by the sun. Ironically, the song "Staring at the Sun" by The Offspring was on the radio.  
  
Hiei yawned and stretched, not really wanting to get up. But, he had to, or else Kurama would come in ten minutes later to jump on Hiei's bed, scaring him awake. Hiei chose blindness over unwanted surprise, and stood slowly.  
  
After three minutes of getting dressed, Hiei walked out of his room to see Kurama making breakfast, Yusuke sitting on the couch and watching TV, leaving the baka absent.  
  
Kurama smiled upon seeing Hiei. "Good morning, Hiei", he said kindly as he offered his friend a plate.  
  
Hiei "hn"-ed and took the plate, piling it up with eggs, ham, some pancakes, and a biscuit. He sat down at the table and looked down at the newspaper.  
  
The fire demon nearly choked on his biscuit as his eyes rested on an article titled, "Man Goes On Rampage Due To Love", with a picture of a very distraught Kuwabara smacked on the front.  
  
Hiei growled. This had better not been about Yukina.  
  
Just moments after skimming through the article, the door burst open. The three turned to see Kuwabara panting, his eyes puffy. It looked like he had been crying. "Guys..Yukina dumped me", he said sadly, trying not to break out into sobbing.  
  
The only sounds that kept the next two minutes from being silent was the sizzling of Kurama's eggs on the oven. Soon, it was broken by a rather loud, "Ah, shit!" from Kurama. He had apparently made a stupid mistake by placing his hand on the hot stove. Poor Foxy.  
  
Hiei felt like cheering. It would be an understatement to say that he was enthralled with the fact that his sister had seen the human for what he really is.  
  
Yusuke looked over at Hiei, and got spooked by the demon's face: It was a happy face, one that Yusuke had never seen Hiei make before.  
  
{Either he's really happy for his sister, or he scored.} Yusuke thought.  
  
He discarded the thought and finally asked Kuwabara, "Is there another guy or something?"  
  
Kuwabara sniffled a bit and nodded. "She wouldn't tell me who."  
  
There was a bit more of a silence, until it was broken by a small knock at the door. Kuwabara, being closest to the door, answered it. He gasped. "Yukina?"  
  
Hiei's eyes widened slightly, but he didn't let it show as he drank from his coffee mug.  
  
Yukina saw them all, and smiled politely. "Good morning, everyone. Sorry to be a bother, but might I have left my tear gem here?"  
  
Yusuke immediately got to his feet, and said, "I'll go check. Just sit tight. Do you want some breakfast?"  
  
Yukina nodded, and started serving her own plate. As she walked by Hiei, she gasped lightly. "Excuse me, Hiei? What's that around your neck?"  
  
Hiei set down his mug and looked at the chain. Not wanting her to see what it was, he simply said, "It's just a chain. No big deal."  
  
Hiei took his coffee cup back, and began drinking it, but it was lost from his throat as Kurama came up behind him and yanked on his necklace. Hiei heard Kurama say, "Oh no, Hiei, it is a big deal. You seem to have an identical tear gem to Yukina's."  
  
The demon spun around, grabbing his necklace from Kurama. He put it back beneath his shirt as Yukina gasped again. Hiei shot a glare at his so- called friend, and looked at Yukina. He was about to say something, when suddenly..  
  
"Hey look, Yukina! Found your necklace! It was in the hallway in the corner", Yusuke said triumphantly.  
  
Now it was Hiei's turn to gasp. {Damn! Now she'll know that we're brother and sister! I have to remember to maim Yusuke later.}  
  
Yukina pointed at Hiei's chain, then looked back at her tear gem. "Wow, the same gem..how coincidental", she stammered.  
  
Hiei sensed that Kurama was about to say something, so shot him a brief deathglare before he could speak. Damn, now he had to tell her..  
  
"Does that mean you guys are meant for each other?" Kuwabara asked.  
  
If Hiei had been drinking his coffee, he'd have spit it out all over the baka ningen. But alas, he had none.  
  
Yusuke and Kurama were trying not to crack up as Yukina's eyes widened and she blushed lightly. Hiei could feel himself blushing as well. Kurama put his hands on Hiei's shoulders. "Congratulations, Hiei. You have a new girlfriend."  
  
Hiei didn't bother holding himself back as he punched Kurama in the face forcefully. He could hear Yusuke laughing and kicked him in the shin. Kuwabara screamed and ran into his room, sobbing. Yukina looked at Hiei. "Is that true? Am I your girlfriend?"  
  
Hiei slouched his shoulders. He looked at Yukina, and noticed that it looked like she was about to cry if he said no. His eye twitched as he grabbed the tear gem out of Yusuke's hand, and gave it to Yukina. "I think you should go", he mumbled to her as he pointed to the door.  
  
She blinked and nodded, showing herself out and shutting the door behind her.  
  
Hiei screamed in rage after he knew the door was closed and kicked Kurama and Yusuke once again. "You are so dead! Next time Yukina shows up, you'd better keep your mouths shut or you won't have mouths to keep shut!!"  
  
He stormed out the door, leaving Kurama and Yusuke laying on the floor, cracking up. "Where's he going?" Yusuke asked, finally calming down.  
  
"I'm not sure. Maybe following Yukina?" Kurama asked, stifling another laugh.  
  
Sobs from Kuwabara's room could be heard. Yusuke and Kurama shared a blink. There was a silence but then a very loud crash. "There goes the TV", Yusuke said.  
  
Another loud crash was heard, as Kurama commented, "Stereo system."  
  
Yet another loud crash. "Picture from the left wall out the window", they both said.  
  
Then, a loud screech sounded, as Yusuke and Kurama said puzzled, "His kitten?"  
  
They ran into the room, to see no one there. The TV was on the bed, screen busted in, the stereo was on the floor, shattered, and there was a very angry ningen out on the street below yelling mean things to whoever the asshole was who hit his new Ford F 150.  
  
Yusuke looked outside to see the guy flipping him off, and said, "Shut the hell up! That truck sucks ass anyway! He did you a favor!"  
  
"Oh, oh, so now you're a car expert?! Come down here, hot shot!" the man yelled, scaring poor innocent children away.  
  
"I don't have to", Yusuke said, pointing his index finger at the man. "You see? I can use my finger, too! Except I'm actually going to put someone in serious pain!!"  
  
He fired at the scary man, and then saw nothing but a pile of ashes where the ningen had been. The crowd that had been circled around the action cheered, but the children were still afraid.  
  
Yusuke was a very good people person. No wonder he meets so many interesting people.  
  
He turned around, as Kurama said, "We should probably go find Kuwabara. There's no telling what he'll do if he finds Hiei."  
  
"I know what he'll do: Die slowly and painfully. We should probably find Hiei first", Yusuke told him.  
  
Kurama nodded, and the two jumped out the window. Yusuke landed successfully on his feet; Kurama did not. "Ow.." the demon mumbled as he lay on his face on the cement.  
  
Yusuke helped him up, to see that it wasn't quite Kurama. He yelped. "Aah! Why are you Yoko now?!"  
  
Kurama blinked and looked down at his arm. "AAH! It can't be now! Why now? Damn it all!"  
  
"What's now?" Yusuke asked, a bit confused.  
  
"Once every few months, I turn into Yoko, temporarily. It's all because of that stupid Dark Tournament."  
  
Yusuke nodded, understanding. "Oh, like a period right?"  
  
Kurama fwapped him. "Idiot! You don't have to just ask that in public! But, yes, that's a pretty good comparison."  
  
Yusuke held his head as he and the fox demon ran down the street in search of Kuwabara and/or Hiei. Yusuke just hoped that they were both alive.  
  
Wait a minute, no he didn't.  
  
~ End Chapter! ~  
  
Well, that was fun, now wasn't it? Would like more of my deranged insanity? Sure ya would! Just review like a good little reader, and more'll come soon!  
  
Now..Review!  
  
[Yiku] 


	2. The search begins! Poor Hiei!

Yiku: Whoo! I got two reviews!  
  
Hiei: ~throws confetti unenthusiastically~  
  
Yiku: ~goes all partyish~ Thank you guys so much! I hope you enjoy this chapter!  
  
Disclaimers: ...common sense, people.  
  
Chapter 2: The great search begins! Poor Hiei!  
  
Yusuke and the PMSing Yoko Kurama roamed the city streets in search of their..er, friends, for lack of a better word. They had been searching aimlessly for about two hours now. Humans frequently stopped in their tracks, dropped whatever they were carrying, pointing and proclaiming, "By God, it's the Apocalypse!" Yusuke and Kurama are so misunderstood.  
  
Hiei, meanwhile, was walking along the streets as well. Except, he was on a different mission: Find Yukina and explain everything, then find Kuwabara, Kurama, and Yusuke to kill them slowly. And all this was to be done by sundown, or else he'd kill everyone in a hundred mile radius.  
  
He growled. If he didn't find her soon, then he'd start having to..ask people if they'd seen her. Hiei wasn't a people person, but he figured he'd might as well. After he got the information, he'd probably set the human aflame.  
  
So, Hiei grabbed the closest one he could find, which happened to be a man who was rather...rotund. Hiei pulled him by the shoulders away from the crowd, which was a hard task to do, for Hiei couldn't hold a good grip. He looked into the frightened ningen's eyes and dug out a random picture from his pocket. "Where can I find this?" he asked rapidly.  
  
The man blinked. "I'm sorry! I did nothing! I never stole a thing in my life!"  
  
"You lie, pathetic human!" Hiei claimed.  
  
The man screamed and looked at the picture. He blinked a few times and turned his head to look at it at different angles. "Kid, I can't help you find your dog, or whatever it is! I'm sorry!"  
  
Hiei looked at the picture and screamed again. He shoved it back into his pocket and got out another picture, this time sure it was Yukina. He held out in front of him. "There! This is someone I'm looking for! Now give me the time you saw her and the direction she was going or feel my wrath!"  
  
The human panicked. "Look, kid I'm sorry! I haven't seen your girlfriend!"  
  
Hiei's eyebrow twitched. "You did NOT just say that!"  
  
He didn't give the human much time to react as he set him on fire. He dropped the flaming human, and started to walk away, but turned around. The body was still burning, and Hiei eyed a stick along the road. He smirked and grabbed it. He reached beneath his cloak, to pull out...a bag of marshmallows.  
  
Kuwabara, by this time, was running through the streets with his kitty barely hanging onto his shoulder. See? I'm not mean! His kitty was with him the whole time! How dare you doubt me!  
  
Anyways, Kuwabara was on a desperate search for Hiei. He was going to pound the short one once he saw him, if he could. People would stop and stare, and nudge each other asking, "Hey, isn't that that guy who was in the paper?"  
  
Kuwabara ran up to one of the questioning people and shouted, eyes watering, "You don't know me! You don't know me! No one knows me!"  
  
Eikichi meowed, and Kuwabara stroked her. "No one, except for you, I'm sorry." He then went on his delusional, twisted way.  
  
Elsewhere, Yusuke kicked a can in frustration. "Damn! Where are they?! You don't think Kuwabara died, do you?"  
  
Kurama scoffed. "Do I care if Kuwabara died? No, I don't really."  
  
"Man, someone's PMSing.." Yusuke mumbled, earning a glare from Kurama.  
  
They went along for a few minutes, when Kurama was stopped by something small. His first guess was Hiei, but realized that it was actually too small to be the little demon. Huh.  
  
Kurama jerked around to see a little girl, looking four or five years old, holding some blue cotton candy in one arm while her thumb was in her mouth. She was drooling slightly as she looked the tall, silver-haired man up and down. A rabid fangirl in training, no doubt.  
  
Kurama scowled. "Can I help you?"  
  
"Are you Toga-man?" the little girl asked.  
  
Yusuke stifled a laugh as Kurama sighed deeply and closed his eyes. He took a deep breath, held it in for awhile and finally said, "I'm sorry, I'm afraid you're mistaken."  
  
The girl shook her head. "Nuh-uh! I saw you on TV! You walk around with a sheet around you and sing happy songs. Don't lie!"  
  
"I'm not your fantasy super-hero, kid! Now go away, or I'll make your life a hell in itself!"  
  
Even Yusuke was taken aback at Kurama's statement. The child didn't seem to be phased, however. "Why does everyone always say that to me?" she mumbled to herself.  
  
Yusuke looked around. "Hey, kid, where's your mom?"  
  
She shrugged. "I dunno. She said she'd be right back, and went into the store, but then this little boy went in there, and people were screaming! I ran away afore he could catch me!"  
  
Kurama and Yusuke eyed each other knowingly. "What did he look like?" Yusuke questioned.  
  
"He was really short, had black hair that poofed up, and he looked like he was about to esplode, cuz he was pissed off!" she shouted rather loudly.  
  
Kurama quickly covered her mouth. "Don't go saying things like that! People will cast you out and make you eat shoes!"  
  
Yusuke blinked. "Where did you hear that?"  
  
Kurama stood straight, and looked up at the sky, swaying innocently. "Oh, you could say from experience..."  
  
Yusuke nodded, and turned his attention back to the girl. "Now, which store did he go in?"  
  
"The Piggly Wiggly", she said, as-a-matter-of-factly.  
  
Yusuke shuddered. "I...can't go in there", he said quietly.  
  
"Why's that?" Kurama asked, eyebrow quirked.  
  
"I just..won't set foot in there. Hiei's got balls for going in there alone."  
  
Kurama groaned. "We're eating up time here. Let's just go and see if anyone's dead yet", he said, rather excitedly.  
  
Yusuke nodded, and pulled the little girl by the arm as they ran to the horrible, horrible facility for distributing groceries.  
  
~~~~~  
  
Hiei desperately walked through the aisles, seeking food. He had grown rather hungry, and was interrupted during his snack by a shoe thrown at him from above. Then, the dogs came, and chased him to this...Piggly Wiggly.  
  
Hiei looked down in his arms to realize that he was still holding the shoe that had hurt him so. He blinked a bit, and soon dropped the shoe, as he stood in front of the biggest thing he had ever seen.  
  
A shrine to his marshmallows had been set up.  
  
He chuckled in delight as he saw this huge tower of marshmallows standing over him. He had finally found it: the motherload of all marshy-mallow-y- goodness. He had to get it! He frantically dug into his pockets in search of money, but found none.  
  
It was then he had an idea. And this idea...was great.  
  
Oh, Hiei would have his marshmallows.  
  
He looked around slyly. He then found a worker there, and grabbed him. The teenager turned around, and was met by a fire punch that knocked him out cold. Hiei smirked, and grabbed another passing worker. This was it. Time for an act that Hiei would soon regret.  
  
"Oh dear God! Look, minion, at the laziness of your fellow worker! I was only walking on my way to the....uh..meat place--"  
  
"Oh, the deli?" the worker offered.  
  
"Yes! And I was about to turn the corner, when he just...plop and fell in front of me. And look at him! He's sound asleep! Oh, the humanity!"  
  
The perturbed employee only blinked at the hysterical little boy in front of him. "Uh, sir, please calm down!"  
  
Hiei narrowed his eyes at him. "You cruel people! Is this how all your employees treat customers?! I could have tripped right into that marshmallow pyramid! You should all be ashamed!!"  
  
"Uh, kid, I really am sorry. I think that's a narcoleptic one! But, you need to calm down!"  
  
Hiei went on protesting against the store's carelessness, as a crowd formed around him, clapping after every bold statement. It just so happened that Yukina was shopping in the store at this time, and grew curious at the crowd. So, Yukina walked over to see Hiei standing there, holding a bag of....marshmallows?  
  
She saw him raise his fist at the worker about to punch him, and gasped. Hiei was about an inch away from knocking this man's brains out, until his fist was grabbed by someone whom he really didn't want to see at the moment.  
  
His expression softened a bit. "Oh, uhh..hello, Yukina", he managed.  
  
She glared at him. "What do you think you're doing, Hiei?!" she demanded.  
  
"Don't worry about it, it's nothing that concerns you", he told her.  
  
"It does concern me! This is my brother!!"  
  
~ End Chapter 2! ~  
  
Cliffhanger! Yukina believes this human is her long lost brother. How will Hiei react? And what'll happen when Kurama and Yusuke arrive? And Kuwabara? Where the hell'd he go anyway?  
  
Find out next chapter! Review please!  
  
[Yiku] 


End file.
